2024 superlatives

One last look back

Happy holidays, homebodies! With only a few days left until the new year is officially upon us, I offer you these words of inspiration and hope:

Are you focused on executing too, tiger? One last thing before we fully lock in for 2025, though – let’s review some superlatives about this past year in pop culture.

Horniest Hand Acting

Mariko and Blackthorne in Shogun.

This whole scene – in which Mariko translates for famed courtesan Kiku, whose speech about the pleasure and freedom found in the brothel becomes a conduit for Mariko’s own suppressed passion – is all the more erotic for how little the characters actually touch. One glancing grasp of their hands is the only publicly acceptable expression of their mutual longing. Hot!

Horniest Foot Acting

Josh O’Connor in Challengers.

The churro sharing is more obvious, but the way Patrick (Josh O’Connor) pulls Art’s (Mike Faist) seat close before he even sits down is arguably sluttier.

Horniest Dagger Acting

Jane and Guildford flirting via the blade in My Lady Jane.

It’s a travesty that Amazon Prime cancelled the show after one perfect season. Add it to the ever-expanding list of reasons why Jeff Bezos is a bald fraud.

Horniest Sleeve Acting

Denzel Washington peacocking all over the place in Gladiator II.

Huge year for bisexual representation.

Manic Pixiest Dream Boy

Chad in My Old Ass.

My Old Ass also features a drug-induced dream sequence where our heroine dons Justin Bieber’s purple snapback and serenades Chad (the aforementioned manic pixie dream boy) with a rendition of “One Less Lonely Girl.” A perfect movie.

Sexiest Screen Siren

Austin Butler in The Bikeriders.

Still images can’t capture just how potent he is in this movie – he’s lit and framed like a silent film star, a deity walking amongst mortals, and the most beautiful ingenue on the block all at once. It feels like every flutter of his eyelashes and tightening of his biceps happens in slow motion.

The Tom Holland Award for Pulling Off a Press Tour That’s Better Than the Movie You’re Actually Promoting

Timothée Chalamet selling A Complete Unknown to audiences beyond the girls and gays (his home base).

Best Daily Mail Headline

Favorite New Word

Puissance: great strength, power, or influence. Encountered for the first time in James Salter’s A Sport and a Pastime.

Most Chilling Portrait of an Aging, Ailing Despot

Ren Faire, a three-part HBO documentary series on the battle for control of America’s largest renaissance festival after its longtime overlord declares retirement.

For my Succession-heads: George “The King” Coulam is Logan Roy, Darla is mostly Gerri with a few Shiv tendencies, Jeff is narratively Kendall but spiritually more in line with Karl and Frank, Louie is narratively Mattson but spiritually Kendall, and Gail (George’s ex-wife) is 100% Caroline. As for Roman, even in the world of the Texas Renaissance Festival there’s nobody who can match his freak.

Funniest Violation of Journalistic Ethics

Olivia Nuzzi getting caught up in an “inappropriate relationship” with Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. (and his parasitic brain worm) while reporting on his presidential campaign. What would Olivia from 2015 have to say about this??

lmao

We Hebben Een Serieus Probleem