Things I Wouldn't Have to Deal With if I Were a Jane Austen Heroine
Not a cell phone in sight, just people in empire waist dresses living in the moment.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman with the misfortune of being alive right now, must be in want of an escape from reality. And what could be more distant from our current existence than the world of an Austen protagonist? As a long-time Austenite, it’s a comforting exercise to envision how much simpler my life would be if I existed solely within the universe of Jane’s imagination. So without further ado, here’s a list of things I wouldn’t have to deal with if I were the main character in a Jane Austen novel:
A Jane Austen heroine would never have to pretend to understand what consulting is because she’d be part of the landed gentry and thus unburdened by the reality of labor.
Friend: “Today was a rough one, my boss is riding my ass about this new project to fungibly target clicks-and-mortar meta-services and seamlessly synergize holistic content.”
Me, as a Jane Austen heroine: “My dear friend, what are these tongues in which you speak? Why, you’re almost as unintelligible as my mother was when she first heard that an unmarried gentleman with 10,000 pounds had let Upperton Hall at last! Let us take a turn about the room to rid you of this troubling affliction.”
A Jane Austen heroine wouldn’t have a single opinion on the live action Disney remakes. Mulan? For all I know, that’s another consulting buzzword. And don’t even bother asking me if I heard who was cast as Ursula – I’m far too preoccupied with becoming an accomplished young lady. Developing a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, all the modern languages and extensive reading doesn’t leave time for much else, you know.
A Jane Austen heroine wouldn’t have to worry about being brainwashed from birth by the death cult of late-stage capitalism to pin her self-worth on professional success. Instead, my life’s goal would be to wield the combined power of my beauty and inherited wealth to marry well. The difference, of course, is that unlike the progression of my career, beauty and family are things I would have very limited capability (or obligation) to change. Is it weird and regressive to sometimes long for a life in which I’d have less agency or fewer choices available to me? Maybe, but as a Jane Austen heroine my happy ending with a hot rich guy who worships the ground I walk on would be a foregone conclusion – and I wouldn’t have to put in 40-hour work weeks until I retire or die, whichever comes first. That sounds like a win to me! Goodbye, nightmares of a career defined by mediocrity and unfulfilled potential (can you tell I’m in the midst of a quarter life crisis?).
A Jane Austen heroine wouldn’t have to worry about her digital footprint. Data privacy, Mark Zuckerburg, misogynistic and racist trolls, people being horny on main over Adam Driver, the question of how much to share and who to trust on the internet – all non-issues for a Jane Austen heroine. God, I wish that were me.
Unlike me, a Jane Austen heroine wouldn’t be Korean American. In six out of the seven novels Austen wrote, her protagonists aren’t even marginally acquainted with a person of color (her final, unfinished novel Sanditon does feature a West Indies heiress named Georgiana Lambe). In the Austen Literary Universe, my ethnic makeup would be so unseasoned that Sofia Coppola and Greta Gerwig would duel each other for the privilege of adapting my story. Ah, to live in blissful ignorance of model minority discourse!
A Jane Austen heroine wouldn’t have to figure out how to meet new people or make friends as an adult. Everyone I could potentially fall in love with, tolerate, befriend, get betrayed by or hate passionately would either own the neighboring estate in our idyllic country village, make smoldering eye contact with me across the length of a ballroom, return from war as a newly eligible catch or play the hero when I encounter physical peril during a rainstorm. No need to download Hinge or scope out which bars hot people frequent for this heroine – Jane knows what’s in the cards for me, and all I have to do is wait.